Stupid Story
by Orefish
Summary: I'm not going to explain this... Just don't read it if you have an alergy to milk, dust, fungus or if you're nursing or pregnant.
1. A wood chuck? I'm sorry to hear that

12.6.03

AHAHA! Your gonna want to kill me after this.

**Thingy, Liquid pumber, Sock, Ape, Chemistry teacher, Beano  **

            It was a fine day in the after life(It's always a fine day in my fics. ;) ), and it was silent in the offices for Tsuzuki was sleeping in his own drool on the desk. Being the moron that people want him to be, he was dreaming about the simple life like cake, puppies, Barbara Walters and sex with Barbara Walters. Suddenly and enraged Hisoka burst through the door screaming like a maniac.

            "GRAAAA HISOKA MAD! GRAAAA HISOKA SMASH!"

            Tsuzuki sprung up from his puddle mumbling "Mmm…that Walters chick has a fine ass…Oh hey Hisoka, what's up?"

            "I'm angry!"

            "Why's that?"

            "Well A.) I just realized that I'll forever be stuck in puberty! And damn it! I can't get rid of this hard on!"

            "Ew…well maybe we can fix that later." Tsuzuki said his face now all pruney from soaking in his drool.

            "Yeah…"

            "So whats B.?"

            "Oh yeah, and B.) I haven't been able to open this bag of cat food at home. Its really pissing me off."

            "You have a cat?"

            "Yeah I adopted him yesterday I just don't know how anyone could give him up he's so cute!"

            "Really? Maybe I can stop by and meet him."

            "Yeah you should."

            Suddenly Tatsumi walked by the door which Hisoka smashed to pieces. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DOOR?" 

            "Oh hey dude, Hisoka smashed it up real good."

            "WHY? AND WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE TSUZUKI ITS ALL WRINKLY?"

            "I'm not real sure about that one." Tsuzuki said with a laugh.

            "I swear I'm taking this all out of your paychecks!"        

            "Why me?" Tsuzki asked.

            "Well…I'm not real sure; it's a way for me to vent my many frustrations with my unsaid love and lust for you. So I want to hurt you to make my life complete."

            "Hey Tatsumi-babe," Konoe said as he walked up to the secretary with a saddle an a school girl out fit, "Which do you feel better with? You can put this saddle on and act like my dirty pony, or we can use the schoolgirl outfit and I can have my way with you that way…I was thinking I liked the pony thing a lot better but it would put a lot of strain on your back."

            Tatsumi just stood for a moment still pretending he had some dignity, "Excuse me, I think I'm going to go shoot myself." 

            Konoe then followed shouting "I guess it's the schoolgirl then? No matter I have the CUTEST padded bra for you!"

            Tsuzuki just cleared his throat for a moment, "Well we all know why he gets paid more…So how about we go open that cat food for ya?"

            "Good idea." Hisoka said, "Oh and by the way, you seem a bit unusual today…not yourself…"

            "Oh yeah…hmm…hold on…" Tsuzuki smashed his face into the desk a few times splashing in the drool he then looked up with a strange and perky face on. "OOHHH HISOKA-CHAN IS SOOOOOO KAWAII-DESU! AI SHITERU HISOKA-CHAN! INU-PUPPY LOVES HISOKA-CHAN 10 TIMES MORE THAN CAKE!"  

            "That's much better…" Hisoka said as the two walked out of the room.

T.B.C…

R&R kiddies.


	2. I was shocked to find that ring around t...

Chapter 2:

The city was alive with people bustling about. Tsuzuki always loved the city and he was quite glad that Hisoka's apartment was smack dab in the middle of it. A scream captured the two's attention to a girl who was being picked on by a group of mean nasty men.

"Oh, you're all so mean! I'll never tell you my deep and disturbing secret!" The girl screamed.

"Hey…that chick's in trouble…" Tsuzuki pointed out.

"Well duh." Hisoka said.

"Shouldn't we help her?"

"No." The two would have kept walking if the girl hadn't overdramatically thrown herself at their feet.

"Damn it. Now we have to help her." Tsuzuki said as he tried to kick the girl off his leg.

The mean men grunted and snorted viciously at Hisoka, who was doing a strange dance around them.

"Hisoka, you fuck up, what are you doing?"

"I'm doing my special dance of torment! It causes my enemies to be confused and vulnerable to my kung-fu grip and ass ravaging attacks! Fear my cat-like reflexes, boys of wonder bread!"

"Oh…" Tsuzuki said in wonder as he watched Hisoka slaughter the mean men.

"Thank you for saving me…" The girl said distantly. Hisoka and Tsuzuki were mesmerized by her beauty. For she had sparkling green hair that waved like gossamer in the wind and unusual golden eyes that could make any man melt with their ethereal glitter.

"My name is Oriana Regailia Daphne Sakura Mika Kamitaka, and I have been chased for many nights by these terrible, terrible, men!" She then dramatically fainted and then got back up.

"That's horrid." Tsuzuki said.

"Damn it, Tsuzuki just kill her so we can go open my cat food." Hisoka mumbled.

"Mm…I suppose that is away…but I feel so bad about resorting to violence…even if she's a skanky butt licking poo lord." Tsuzuki asked.

"Uh…" Hisoka just stared at him.

"Well, it's good to meet you, Oriana Regalia…uh…Sally Jessie Raphael? I'm Tsuzuki and that's Hisoka."

"No, its Daphne Sakura Mika Kamitaka you can call me Oriana. And I'm pleased to meet you…"

"So why are those mean men after you?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that," She said with a whisper as her eyes began to water, "Only the sun and the moon will know, and that one true love that is floating through those stars. Alas ,my terrible secret will keep me from that dream that I love so much. OH THE MANY NIGHTMARES I'VE HAD…"

"Cool. So what's the secret?"

"I shouldn't tell….but I can trust you…for destiny has brought us together! I'm really a shinigami princess!"

"Oh hey, what a co-inki-dink, where shinigami's too."

"OH I KNEW IT! I HAVE FOUND MY OWN KIND! THANK YOU THANK YOU, FATE! NOW I CAN USE MY TRUE POWERS TO FREE THIS VILE PLANET FROM ALL PAIN! FOR I WILL IT TO BE SO! I must will it to be so to make up for what my evil evil long lost brother/sister/father/cousin/mother Muraki Kazutaka has done…"

"Woa…Down bitch." Hisoka said.

"Oh Tsuzuki! MAKE LOVE TO ME!"

Hisoka just stood there for a moment and walked off.

"I'm g-" Tsuzuki tried to scream through her mouth

"Oh! What my love?" She said as she continued kissing him.

"I'M G-"

Hisoka came back to the two with a coffee in one hand and a cheese Danish in the other.

"Hey Tsuzuki I stopped by star bucks and got you a danish…"

"We'll have thousands of kids!" The girl screamed

"Ew, that's a disgusting amount of kids." Hisoka commented while taking a sip from his coffee.

Tsuzki got fed up and pushed her off of him "I'M GAY!"

"What?" she shreaked.

"He's gay." Hisoka said for him.

"Why? Why do you want to hurt me so much? WE WERE IN LOVE!" She said through a mask of tears, she began to glow as the truth set in, "No…I won't believe it!"

"You need proof?" Hisoka asked, "Fine. Tsuzuki, kiss me."

"No…I don't want to…" Tsuzuki said.

"Damn it child, don't make me beat you." Hisoka said while bobbing his head.

"Not in public," He said with a girly blush "and why do you sound like Queen Latifa?"

"WHAT ABOUT MOTHER!?" The girl screamed but no one really paid any attention.

"I bought you a Danish! I thought I _meant_ something to you…" Hisoka said as he began to cry.

"Oh god…a _Danish?!" Tsuzki said as he began to cry also. The two were now sad blubbering messes._

"Did you ever know that you're my hero?" Hisoka said.

"You're everything I would like to be…" Tsuzki sobbed as he fed the Danish to a nearby dog.

"I could fly higher than an eagle…"

"You are the wind beneath my wings…oh Tsuzuki lets never fight again…" Hisoka then grabbed Tsuzuki and kissed him tongue and all, (it was one of those nasty doujinshi kisses; you know the type with the groping and the little line of spit down the side of their chins. Yeah…you know you like it.) He then let the taller man go.

"OH MY GOD!" She screamed. She was now glowing a radiant light and all of a sudden she exploded leaving only the stumps of her legs.

"Wow! How magical!" Hisoka said, his eyes were now a freakishly wide size and were extremely watery so it looked like he had pink eye.

"Yeah, almost like fireworks!"

"Let's continue to my house…"

"Oh yes…how joyous…" Tsuzki said.

T.B.C


	3. Deedly dee I'm hopped up crack

The Sakura petals floated to the ground like small pink feathers before them. Tsuzuki gave a look as if in awe of the site, but really it was just confusion and disgust.

"You live in a god damn tree house?"

"Yeah…so…"

"That has to be the biggest cherry blossom tree I have ever seen."

"Oh shut up its _Sakura_ not cherry blossom you stupid hick!"

"Whatever…Damn that's a big tree…didn't think they grew that big…"

"Yeah yeah…let's go open my cat food."

The two began to climb up the tree about 5 minutes later…

"Damn it Hisoka that's the 5th time one of those fuck'n petals fell in my eye! Move faster before I get permanent retina damage or something!" Tsuzuki then broke off a branch and poked Hisoka's ass with it. Hisoka gave an orgasmic scream.

"OH GOD MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE!" The boy yelled. Tsuzuki just made a face and threw the stick to the side.

"I'm not gonna' do that again..." He said to himself.

"But I will!" A perky voice said.

"Watari?" Tsuzuki said in shock to the flying scientist. Watari had the stick in his hand and jabbed it up Hisoka's bum and chuckled while Hisoka moaned and squealed his way up the tree.

"OH. YES. YES. DAMN. MY. JEANS. ARE. CHAFING!" At the word "chafing" they all made it to the top and Watari just danced around singing.

"Watari…what the hell are you doing here?" Tsuzuki asked

"Um…I'm not sure…" Watari scrunched his face up with his eyes crossed and looked confused and disgruntled….

"Damn…I kinda' need to change my pants…" Hisoka said

"What? How come?"

Hisoka just blushed and looked down "It's none of your business…" Hisoka opened the door to his house however it couldn't be entered. The door was filled with gray fur.

"What the hell is that?!"

"It's Mr. Kitty…" Hisoka said while petting the fur. The fur began to move and wave and suddenly a head popped through and was staring at the three from the center of the doorway.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Tsuzuki said.

"Cant you tell?"

"IT'S FUCKING HUGE! JESUS H. CHRIST!"

"Oh, Mr. Kitty can't help it…he's a problem eater…plus its hot out so he's a bit bloated. He'll go down at around five or so…"

"But how are we going to get in?

"Duh isn't it obvious? We push through." Hisoka said as he disappeared into the fat.

"Oh god…"

"Hey Tsuzuki! Did you know I can stick my tongue out and touch my nose?" Watari asked as he began to poke his nose and stick his tongue out. Tsuzuki just sighed and rolled his eyes and entered the fat.

"Hehehe….I'm so CRAZY…" Watari said as he followed into the fat.

It was quiet in the fat and Tsuzuki found it a bit creepy seeing as he was traveling through this dark endless world of fat. 

"I can't hear or see anything…God this is scary…" Tsuzuki said to himself.

"Hey Tsuzuki! I pooped my pants!" Watari screamed from behind him.

"Oh…I guess I _can_ hear. Damn it…"

"Tsuzuki…." A voice bellowed from the darkness.

"Shut the fuck up Watari I don't care that you took a dump now-"

"Tsuzuki…." The voice said again. This time Tsuzuki wasn't sure if it was Watari or not, since the scientist would have found a way to launch his fecal matter at him instead of continuing talking.

"Wa-tari?..." Tsuzuki called; a little less sure of himself this time.

"Tsuzuki…this is God speaking…"

"What? Why? This isn't a very good place to talk right now."

"No, its perfect, the fat channels my voice to the world. This is the closest anyone can get to me."

"Oh…imagine that…"

"So what's up?"

"I have a mission for you, my son."

"What? You do? What is it?"

Suddenly a splat and a giggle came from the dark. Followed by God screaming, "Damn it! Watari! That's just disgusting! How am I gonna get this stain out..."

"He he he! I flung my poo!" Watari said as he danced about and sang.

"Watari," Tsuzuki scolded "Tell God you're sorry."

"NO!" Watari screamed in protest.

"WATARI!" Tsuzuki said more stern now.

"NO NO NO NO NO!"

"Fine then!" God screamed in rage, "I'm causing Armageddon and theirs not a damn thing you two can do about it!" And with that a lighting bolt struck and the fat was gone; the entirety of Hisoka's house could now be seen. Tsuzuki ran to Hisoka's room and burst the door open to reveal Hisoka wearing nothing but a leather corset and some satin crotch-less panties.

"HISOKA WATARI CAUSED ARMAGEDON-HOLY JESUS WHAT ARE YOU WEARING!?" 

"Uh…I'm waiting for my clothes to get washed…"

"And that's all you have?"

"Yeah…"

"But why…?The panties…?D-Don't you have different underwear?"

"Uh…not really… I only prefer crotch-less…"

"But what's the point?! Why wear underwear if it doesn't support your…_junk" Tsuzuki said while blushing and looking down at the panties…_

"I dunno…It makes me feel pretty?" Hisoka had no clue as to why he was wearing the undergarment. Watari then entered the room screaming, "YAY I CAN SEE HISOKA'S THINGY!" He then leaped on the boy and started to grope him, "OH AND THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!"

"Oh yeah about that." Tsuzuki said, "What are we going to do about it?"  
  


T.B.C…

I never re-read this so it probably doesn't make any sense! SO YAY I SUCK! 


	4. Toilet duck YES

1.9.03 

Hisoka spent no time getting dressed and ushering Watari and Tsuzuki out of his house. They all stood beneath his tree house wondering what to do next.

"O.k. So let me get this straight. Watari _flung_ crap at God and caused the Apocalypse?" Hisoka said, still a little distraught about the sudden death of his cat.

"Yeah…that's pretty much it." Tsuzuki confirmed nodding his head.

"For Christ sake Watari why do you insist on being a fucking idiot all the time?" Hisoka screamed at the scientist.

Tsuzuki's head then got deformed and his eyes got freakishly large "WATARI-CHAN IS A BAKA-DESU! AND IS TOTALLY NOT SUGOI AND KAWAII LIKE POCKY! ARIGATO SUMIMASEN NEKO NEKO INU-PUPPY POCKY BAKA" he screamed.

Hisoka glared in response to Tsuzuki's spastic outburst and slapped him across the face. Tsuzuki just stood there silently staring blankly into nowhere.

"Fuck'n moron." Hisoka mumbled under his breath, "Anyways we need to do something about this or we're all going to die." The blonde stated.

Watari sat against the tree with a forlorn look on his face, "I'm sorry guys…I just couldn't help myself…I didn't mean to cause world wide destruction…" he gently stroked the fluffy under belly of 003 who just cooed in bliss, ignorant of the situation. Suddenly a shot was heard and the little owl exploded into little bloody chunks.

"Creepy bird people," Hisoka commented as he placed the pistol back in his pants, "No one wants to see you do _that_ in public anyways."

"Your disgusting! I'm not into bird-human relationships anymore! I learned with the GuShoShin brothers a long time ago." Watari screamed at the boy while looking down at his now very icky looking friend.

"Eh…Whatever…Now think of a way to fix this before I shoot off your johnson."

Watari's face turned green at the thought of his beloved "johnson" being shot off and then regenerating only to be shot off an infinite number of times after.

Suddenly out of nowhere a giant puff of smoke appeared before them.

"Did somebody say 'Squeek-E-Clean' brand dishwashing detergent?!" Muraki asked enthusiastically.

"Uh…no..." Hisoka said staring at the now very disappointed man.

"Really? Oh shit? I'm not at the studio am I?" He said looking around a bit.

"Studio?" Tsuzuki asked

"Yeah after I realized I could never win against you guys, I got a job on children's show I'm 'Raffy the Dish Washing man' I advertise dishwashing detergent and teach children basic skills of life with my faithful companion Saki."

"Wait. Saki? Floating head, Saki?" Tsuzuki asked still a little in shock.

"Why yes!" Muraki beamed as he whipped out his severed head, he took all the wires off and stuck a wooden stick with a leaver on in up into the hole where the spinal chord was supposed to go.

"Hi there kids!" He said in a distorted voice as he made Saki's decaying mouth move a little pit of puss oozed from the corner of the corps's mouth and splattered on Hisoka's face.

"I think I'm going to vomit" Hisoka said as he ran behind the tree, a few retching noises could be heard.

"Dude…that's disgusting…," Tsuzuki commented, "At least put that thing in some formaldehyde. God!"

"Oh hey that reminds me!" Hisoka screamed from behind the tree, "The Apocalypse is coming think you could help out?"

"What? The world is ending _now_? I was hopping I could start my life anew and slowly live my life working for children to repent for my many sins…" Muraki looked off into the distance with a sorrowful face, the wind blew his white hair around his face and a tear slid down the side of his pale face. Suddenly his fake eye popped out of its socket and rolled around on the ground.

"Damn it!" Muraki cursed as he bent down to pick up his eye ball "This always happens when I get emotional…" His hand felt through the grass to find his eye when his hand met with another causing Muraki to gasp.

Tsuzuki picked up the sad eyeball and held it in his hand. "Muraki...We can not combat this on our own…Will you help us?" He said as he stared into Muraki's eye and empty socket. He then gently caressed the pale man's face and pushed his eye back into its rightful place, it made a small squish noise and something oozed out from the sides but Tsuzuki didn't mind.

"Oh, Tsuzuki…" The doctor said with a sigh. "I'll do anything for you." He then took Tsuzuki into his arms and they began to ravage each other.

"Fuck you both…" Hisoka said in a sing song voice still heaving behind the tree.

T.b.c…

These type of stories are always so fun to write when I'm stressed…;) R&R. 


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